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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22628545">Grow As We Go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardAngel79/pseuds/WaywardAngel79'>WaywardAngel79</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Light Angst, M/M, Songfic, ben platt - Freeform, grow as we go, mentions of others - Freeform, sing to me instead</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-29 00:34:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,326</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22628545</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardAngel79/pseuds/WaywardAngel79</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the song "Grow as we Go by Ben Platt - Dean receives an unexpected confession from Castiel, his best friend of nearly a year. But Cas doesn't receive the response he expects...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Grow As We Go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <em>You say there's so much you don't know</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stormed out into the living room, practically fuming, before he turned back to Cas. “What does that mean to you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean, what are you talking about? You know what I mean.” Cas paused, face contorting in confusion. “Should I not have said it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course you shouldn’t have!” Dean is practically shouting now, his inner panic bubbling to the surface. “You shouldn’t say shit like that, shit you don’t mean. You can’t be…” Dean trails off, mind blanking as the whole moment sinks in. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean, I don’t believe I’m being unreasonable or naive. I know what I feel...I just thought you would feel the same way.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean nearly chokes at that, at the way Cas looks down guiltily at his feet. He hates putting that look on his best friend’s face, like he’s disappointed in Dean. Dean sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t know how I feel, Cas. I know that you’re my friend. Hell, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. But...love?” The possibility just seems absurd. His best friend of nearly a year, one of the the only friends who bothered to stick around, saying he loves him? Not possible.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>You need to go and find yourself</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have to go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Cas stops dead in his tracks before launching himself to hold Dean back by his wrist. “Where are you going?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need some time for this to sink in. Alone.” Dean tries to leave, but Cas has an iron grip on his wrist. “Cas, let go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, Dean. If you’re freaking out, and I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> you are, I want to discuss it with you. Please just...don’t go.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>You say you'd rather be alone</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>'Cause you think you won't find it tied to someone else</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas...you know I can’t do this,” Dean pleads. “You know how it goes for me. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> what happens when I get involved with other people.” Dean thinks about all the shit he’s been through with exes: Benny, cheating on him with his first love, Andrea, Aaron in high school, who couldn’t hide while Dean was still in the closet, Cassie, who wanted a long-term relationship, and Lisa…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean, your past doesn’t define you-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not the point, Cas! I mean it, I’m not…” Dean trails off, not knowing how to put it into words. “I’m meant to be alone. I’m sorry, but I can’t give you what you want. I’m not ready for that kind of commitment.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>Who said it's true</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>That the growing only happens on your own?</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean, who ever said that you have to be ready for that? I must admit, I’m not fully ready for the full implications of what I’ve just told you.” Cas takes his hands, continuing. “I don’t expect you to say it back. I don’t expect you to be physically affectionate. I don’t even expect you to hold my hand. Just show me that you’re here with me, and we’ll go from there. That is, if you reciprocate my feelings…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>They don't know me and you</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas drops his hands, looking down at the ground. “I thought we could be different than what we’ve both been through. But if you’re not willing, I understand.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stands rigid for a minute, conflict pulsing through his mind. He knows he can’t do this, can’t give Cas what he wants. But...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>You won't be the only one</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he thinks about the past year. Meeting Cas in one of the worst ways possible, horrified that the fellow customer he just bumped into will be furious for getting 12 ounces of coffee spilled on him. Instead, he was met with adorable confusion, a formal apology for an incident that was </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dean’s fault</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and treating the stranger as a make-up, only to find that they shared a lot in common.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>I am unfinished, I’ve got so much left to learn</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He thinks about how they kept talking long past the time their coffee’s got cold, walking around the city, and getting to know each other. He remembers Cas talking about his seemingly endless number of siblings, from stoic Michael, to the seemingly torturous bully Luke, to the playful and teasing Gabriel. He remembers laughing as they reflect on the trouble their siblings got into, from Sammy getting his ass handed to him by Dad after nearly setting their hotel room on fire trying to cook macaroni, to Gabriel stumbling into Castiel’s house at 3am, insanely drunk, only to be grounded for 2 months by their incredibly strict parents.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>I don't know how this river runs</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean remembers meeting up with Cas outside of work and on the weekends for the years after, watching movies, laughing at Cas’s complete lack of pop culture knowledge, and talking more about his family. When he talked about his terrible home life as a kid, from Mary passing, to John drunkenly yelling and hitting...Cas didn’t give him the typical, lifeless “I’m sorry”. He held Dean, whispering heartfelt condolences in his ear as Dean finally let out everything he had been repressing for years.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>But I'd like the company through every twist and turn</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean knows deep down that he wouldn’t be able to do anything without Cas. If he had never met him, he never would have been able to work through his past without Cas being there to comfort him, tell him that he doesn’t need to fear any more.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>I don't know who we'll become</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, if that’s how you feel…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean snaps out of his inner monologue to see Cas, looking incredibly defeated, turn to grab his coat and leave.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...then I’ll go. I’m sorry, Dean. I shouldn’t have pushed you into being someone that you’re not. If you don’t want to be friends anymore-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, Cas, wait…” Dean turns, grabbing Cas’ wrist this time. Cas stares down at their joined hands, eyes wide.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look...you know I’m not good at this whole ‘feelings’ thing,” Dean starts. He bites his lip and scoffs, willing himself to continue.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>I can't promise it's not written in the stars</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I can say it back. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say it back. But…” Dean looks at Cas directly. “But I do...like you...probably more than I wanted to admit to myself in the past year.” Cas continues to stare at him, more longing entering his eyes, making Dean shudder at the intensity of the other man’s gaze.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>But I believe that when it's done</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>We're gonna see that it was better</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>That we grew up together</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like you so much that it scares me,” Dean continues, biting his lip. “I tried thinking it was just the relief of having a friend who actually cares, but you’re so much more than that, Cas.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looks into Cas’ eyes for another minute, wanting to do </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>, something other than just look at him, but he doesn’t know if he can yet.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>Tell me you don't wanna leave</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas looks at him, pleading with his eyes. “Stay, please.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>'Cause if change is what you need</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, Cas...I’ll stay.” Dean wraps his arms around his best friend, holding him tightly as Cas reciprocates. “I want to..I want to give this a shot. Holding hands, holding you, the whole nine.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>You can change right next to me</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas smiles, pulling back from Dean, putting his hand on his cheek.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I kiss you?” The whispered admission takes Dean by surprise, but he smiles subtly nonetheless.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Dean whispers back. And now, he’s lost in Cas. The beautiful, intelligent, clueless, bashful, amazing man that is Castiel. His best friend, his loyal support system…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>...his everything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>When you're high, I'll take the lows</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>You can ebb and I can flow</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>And we'll take it slow</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>And grow as we go</em>
  </strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey everyone! This is my very first, un-beta'd fanfiction! Please give me improvement notes in the comments; I really want to write more and try to get better, and maybe even a multi-chapter story one day. Please leave comments and any suggestions for future stories!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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